The Fear Of A New Relationship

Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three years left her for another woman.

After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new relationship. So she joined an online dating service and promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm, compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now Katie’s fears that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a relationship again.

Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was another matter. She had never actually taken care of herself in any of her relationships, and she was very worried that she would let herself down again.

Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could take for herself as she started to explore the relationship with Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So here they are – some loving actions to take when first exploring a new relationship:

1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own feelings rather than just being tuned into the other person’s feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking responsibility for the others person’s feelings of worth or security, and NOT making the other person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the other person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other person’s wants, needs and feelings more important than your own.

3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for you.

4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be willing to be who you really are rather than trying to impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really are, is more important than getting the other person’s approval.

5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so many good things about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being rejected, because they make they other person responsible for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment – of loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other person. Thus, fears of loss – loss of self or loss of other – often surface quickly and people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect themselves from their fears.

If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This means that you need to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU – what is really in your highest good – rather than trying to have control over not being rejected or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, “What is the loving action toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right now?”

If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your way through exploring a new relationship without losing yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.

Good Stuff!


Again, let me recommend you read "Healing A Broken Heart". Click Here!

As we journey,
Larry
A Guide To Being Suddenly Single

Single Christians And Loneliness

Loneliness is a very powerful emotion. And, whether you have just ended a 6 month or a 6 year relationship the sudden realization of being alone can be shocking. Even in a dysfunctional relatinship there was someone around sometime. Since Loneliness is an emotion it needs to be treated as an emotion.

If loneliness is a powerful emotion for you at this time as a Christian you should be well prepared to deal with this emotion. Young or old you can find the structure you need to rebuild your life in the company of other Christian.

Being alone right now might be just where God wants you to be.

Some people get into a relationship for the sake of not being alone. This can be a mistake. Getting into a relationship with someone just for the sake of not being alone is not very smart. Here are some ways on how to deal with this fear of loneliness.

Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of not being by yourself can cause problems down the road. What happens if you pick the wrong person? Let’s say you choose someone and you get married. After five or six months, you start to realize that you made a mistake in selecting this person. What do you do now?

Its not fun being alone but being with someone that you can barely tolerate is not the answer. Once you get married and have kids, it can be very difficult to get out of the relationship if things turn south. Make the smart decisions now and don’t let loneliness become a issue in your relationships.

Spending some time with animals can get rid of loneliness. Get a pet or volunteer at your local animal shelter. Walking or petting the animals can be very effective in managing loneliness. Animals are a great source for companionship.

Get a hobby. Find something you like to do and get involved. If you like to play volleyball, then find a local team. If you like to lift weights, then go to a gym. Doing something you like will keep you active and help you to make friends.

Develop a network of friends. A person who has friends will not be as alone as for someone who is constantly by themselves. Again, join a group where you can develop long lasting friendships.

Finally, if being alone bothers you that much then its best to see a professional. He or she can give you insights on how to better manage your fear of being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact the average person spends some time alone during their lifetime.

Just remember you are not unique. Others have survived and grew through a suddenly single experience. I read some articles once by a lady who published a book on healing a broken heart why not go ahead and go to her web page and see if she can help....Click Here!

As we journey,
Larry
Suddenly Single Tips